Well, Liv Lane, you’ve really done it now. As I read your posts for the Build A Blog You Truly Love eCourse, I find myself always in a state of wondering about my blog. It doesn’t feel right to be just about work. I want it to be more fun…more real…more connected. I want to write about things that inspire and things that make me sad sometimes. I want to write about life. So a couple of days ago I saw your post about that dreaded challenge…vulnerability…share something people don’t know about you.
I thought wasn’t it enough that I just shared my Pinterest account with the world…my bulletin boards o’ food and foul language and all “you need a high five…in the face…with a chair” kind of pins? Sure, they are mixed in with normal beautiful images and inspiring quotes but they are still there and I love every one of them.
Apparently, that wasn’t enough so here I am again. I’ve wanted to share something for a long time but didn’t have the courage. Didn’t know what others would think. Didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if it was just too much to share. I think it’s time. If it’s not, well, I guess it’s too late to turn back now.
For many years, there was something only the closest to me knew. The past few months, I’ve shared with a more. Now I’m sharing with the world.
Let the rambling begin.
I married an alcoholic.
I have been in this relationship for just over 20 years and it’s now coming to an end because I want more from life and he’s good with how things are (among other things).
I’ve spent many nights over the last 20 years alone or with my children, wondering if he would make it home. He used to drink and drive a lot and I’m not sure he’d be alive if it wasn’t for me being such a bitch about it. I’ve been riddled with guilt at the thought of him hurting someone and feeling like it would be all my fault because I should have done more to stop it. I’ve worried about the high price of a DWI and the guilt over sometimes wishing he’d get one thinking that might be the wake up call he needed.
I’ve spent most of the last 20 years feeling like a single parent. Knowing that as much as he loved them, I couldn’t trust that he would remain sober if they needed a ride somewhere or the house was burning down or whatever so I had to always make sure everything was covered…planned in advance.
It’s not that he drinks every single night. It goes in spurts. Sometimes its almost every night and sometimes a few nights go by with nothing. He functions fine, goes to work, takes care of things that need to be taken care of around the house, etc. so, in his mind, there isn’t a problem…and in my mind I think there’s still a problem but I question whether I’m just too weird about this stuff. Am I over-reacting? Do I have a stick up my butt too far? Is it true that I just don’t know how to let loose and have fun?
The more I talk to people, it seems so many people can relate to my story and are okay with how things are. Am I a bitch to care? Am I the one to blame? Those thoughts go through my head all the time even though I know it isn’t my fault on some level and there is nothing wrong with wanting to see someone experience more from life than going to work and then coming home and going numb from the world but the other thoughts still creep in.
I also worried about what others would think. What would the think of him? Of me? Of our children? Sometimes when we went place he was fine and other times he wasn’t. 7 or 8 years ago was the last time I included him in anything I did with my friends. I brought him to a gathering at someone’s home and I was really embarrassed by how drunk he got. They might have thought it was funny and may not have cared. But I cared. I never included him again for fear I would have to go through that again.
My decision now to get a divorce is long overdue. The hardest part is what a nice guy he can be and how much I really care about him. I just know that I want, and am ready for more in my life, and I can’t stay with someone else who doesn’t want the same. I’m really looking forward to watching the next phase of my life unfold and I hope something clicks for him and he can find the happiness he truly deserves as well.
I’m also still scared. I realized recently that pretty much every relationship since my first boyfriend involved someone with a chemical dependency problem. My first boyfriend had no signs whatsoever that this could even be possible at first and then there I was, watching him go through treatment. Am I capable of choosing something else for myself? I really don’t know. I’m afraid I might not be. Good thing the last thing I want right now is a relationship but I still have to consider it moving forward.
My parents hardly ever drank so I didn’t grow up with it, although I always kind of felt like my stepfather was a dry drunk (stuff I learned about when my boyfriend went through treatment). He could be really mean and had some of the tendency I read about when it comes to alcoholics. My biological father…I haven’t spent time with him and didn’t know him at all until I was an adult…I hear he has had some issues but I’ve not been a part of that world. Is it just part of my makeup? Does it ever go away? I really have no idea.
So for now, I know that in a month, I’ll have a new home and I’ll be on my own for the first time in a very long time. I’m excited about what adventure life has for me next. I’m excited to no longer feel like I need to hide at home to avoid the drunken behavior. I’m just excited.
I’m also terrified but I’m not going to focus on that because I just know that this is the right thing to do and the excitement and joy will outweigh any challenges that might pop up.
And now I feel like I need a nap. Thanks for listening and letting me share.
I just excited for you too! By the way, who farted?!!
Tonya recently posted..My Little Bliss List
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
Thanks and I swear it was Dawn.
Good for you Michel! You have every right to not want to live tied to the chain of alchoholism. You might be able to get a lot out of AlAnon or CodDA. Embrace the excitement of a new beginning!
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
I’ve thought about that and will see how things settle once I move and the next chapter begins. I’ve got so much to do and I just need to take it one day at a time right now. How ironic is that?!
Twitter: anitafendrock
says:
How brave of you to put this out there, Michele!
I completely understand why you wonder if you are being over reactive or over critical; I honestly don’t feel that you are. Since you can’t include him in activities with your friends and you can’t leave your children in his care with any level of comfort, I don’t see that as being in your head. That’s in your gut, and our gut is rarely (maybe never!) wrong.
I hope that you will share more of your personal journey on your blog; I would love to read more of your story, and to hear how this unfolds for you.
Bravo!
xo, Anita
Anita recently posted..Choices, Consequences, Love and Loss
aching with you over the loss
of what you had hoped could be
with this man
and leaning hard into brighter hope
for restoration of every broken dream,
even the ones that are hard to dream again.
And for comfort and healing to every nook and cranny
of your beautiful heart.
Excited for the next steps
and in every way
with you, dear Michele.
cheering wildly in your corner,
Jennifer
Jennifer Richardson recently posted..a warm little bliss list….
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
This is beautiful. Thank you. I am speechless but I think you said it all for me:) You are so special. I am truly blessed to know you.
oh how brave you are.
how wonderful the future looks for you and your family.
he may find his way and get the help he needs.
especially you being a shining example of choosing life.
All the very best for you
love donn xxx
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
I hope he does. We all deserve it! Thank you:)
Twitter: liv_lane
says:
LOL – you make me laugh. I’m not going to take credit for pulling this out of you. You were so ready! And I hope you know how proud of and excited I am for you as you venture out on your OWN with your brave, brave heart.
Liv Lane recently posted..The Whole Truth: Why I Took Drugs
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
Thanks! I guess I’ve slowly been sharing with small groups and there is no shame in the choices I’ve made. They were made with good intentions at heart. Now it is time to make a new choice!
Been there. Done that.
I wish you peace and happiness and for now, a good nap!!
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
Thank you. I slept well:)
Twitter: kirstentulsian
says:
Courageous… that is what you are! What an amazingly scary, exhilarating, painful, exciting, and important time in your life! Good for you, no… GREAT for you! Taking care of yourself is the single best gift you can give to yourself!
Sending my best as you embark on this new journey in your life!
Kirsten recently posted..My Life Truths
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
You are so right, Kirsten! Thank you so much for all your support!
So brave Michele in a million different ways. Good for you!
PS~ Thanks for everything.
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
You are most welcome, DeAnne. I am so excited to be a part of your journey!
Twitter: michelleTurbide
says:
I am so impressed by your bravery. blown away.
michelle turbide recently posted..Introducing perfect polly
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
Thank you Michelle!
I congratulate you on your courage and wisdom. You will never regret it. Don’t ask me how I know.
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
This is very reassuring. I have a feeling you are right
I know it sounds like a cliche but sometimes things have to fall part for better things to fall into place – I keep learning this lesson in my life. It can be terrifying when you’re going through the falling apart phase but hang it there! You deserve all the good things that are out there for you!
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
I totally agree. It’s been a tough couple of years but things are definitely on the right track! Thank you!!
You know in your heart what you truly need. But there are times we put our own needs aside for others. This is your time. Making the decision is the hardest part, it will be all downhill from here. I speak from experience.
Look to the name of your company- Be Inspired!
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
Thank you Sue. Your words mean a lot to me:)
Twitter: crystallinelove
says:
So very brave for sharing, thank you! I understand the trickery of alcoholism (in my own extended family), so know I am thinking of you as you take this big leap to live your life on your own terms! Yay!
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
Thank you Jennifer. Yay is right!!
Twitter: Emmalovescats
says:
Michele, I found reading your post here really moving. It’s amazing to me how we are each carrying our own struggles and learning to live alongside them in a way that reflects our heart. Thank you for your lovely comment on my post. It means a lot to know that I’m supported in my journey. Your words really touched me. Em
Emma recently posted..Favourite Thing On A Friday – A Little Bliss List
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
Thank you Emma. I’m so looking forward to connecting more!
Michele, you are hugely brave and 100% right to trust your gut. You are also giving your kids a living example of choice, courage in the face of painful change, compassion toward their troubled father and, soon, the joy of coming out on the other side of this difficulty. Brava to you. I’m even more delighted to work with you now than I was fifteen minutes ago! Misha
Twitter: beinspired1
says:
Thank you Misha! That means a lot to me.